Slay the beast the lurks within

I am not afraid.

Not of you, or your face that hunts me still.

I won’t give in, won’t let you win. I breathe. I live. I wake, I’m alive.

You can’t hurt me, not anymore. There is a wall around my iron heart, and you can not get in.

But in the depths of darkness you find me. You lure, you beg, you cry out for me to follow you. But I won’t.

You see I won’t move. The fire within will keep you away. This fire I’ve built to hold you back, you can’t get close, not anymore.

I breathe a sigh of deep relief when sunlight breaks amd I’m awake.

I won tonight, like every night. I am alive, and I’m still breathing.

You can’t defeat me.

I know I’ll see you yet again. In the shadows lurking, waiting and hoping that I will fall. But I won’t. You reach out your hand to help me up but I won’t take it, not this time.

I’ve made it through. Ive slayed the beast, the demons of you. And never can you break me down. I am strong, you can’t defeat me.

Turning Point

I believe there are moments in our lives that are turning points. You can sometimes see it after it happened, but in my case I see it today as it happened.

Today I stood in front of a mirror wearing MY wedding dress for the very first time. I slipped the dress on, buttoned the back, and stood back to see a beautiful transformation. I get to wear this beautiful dress for my soon to be husband and I can’t wait for him to see it. I smiled, I teared up, I giggled with excited nerves. This dress is mine, it is all mine and soon I will be all his. It was an incredible moment, a silent moment of pure excitement and honestly a moment of relief.

I sit outside the shop, the dress purchased, the veil picked out, the shoes in hand and can’t help but think how lucky I am to have this beautiful moment. A day that wouldn’t have happened with out him. A day that I couldn’t have had without his love, his devotion, and his decision to choose me.

I am in this moment so very happy, and completely utterly calm. It’s a moment I hope everyone experiences, because it’s unlike anything I’ve ever felt before.

I can’t wait for the day I get to be walking down the aisle toward him. I can’t wait to see his face looking at me and knowing that I am walking toward him and our future together.

Today, I feel bliss.

Broken Pieces

It took a long time to see the damage you did, to pull back the bandages and see the bloodied mess beneath. It took focus, and determination to see past the facade. To see past the lies I was feeding to myself. It took a stumbling walk, turned into a desperate crawl to inch my way away from you. It took a certain strength to put distance between us, and even more not to turn back toward you. As much a I knew distance was good, the desire to be close to you almost won yet again. You almost won again…almost.

There is a certain crazy that consumes us all. One that whispers logical nonsense in our ear and tells us that to be insane is very much okay. The insanity keeps the fire at a raging height, keeps the embers too hot to burn away, keeps the warmth of you still too close. The psychotic obsession of you keeps the horrid memories alive glossed over in a gossamer illusion of fantastic reality.

The chill at night kept my screams at bay. The silence of your absence and the ease of my still tender wounds kept my fingers from reaching for the phone. The drought was the hardest. The longing, the need, the want. And the distance makes it no easier, the time is no seal of finality.

There is nothing in my body that wants you ever again to be in the circumference of my life, but no matter the desert of our now severed connection my mind still lingers on the illusion. Eventually the rain of memories fade, and finally when I’ve fully drown, that’s when I will breathe once again.

You consumed me. You broke me. But I won’t let it define me.

I Welcome the Chaos

Did you know that in the absence of you I have found the peace of chaotic thought in my mind again? There is no longer a homing beacon on you, my mind is now able to divide it’s processing. I can clearly hear and focus on multiple things at once. It’s lovely what your absence provided.

I can think. I can focus. I am me.

My Drug of Choice

I breathe you in like a long lost friend
My chest expands like it’s always just been
My head it spins and senses whirl, soft and slow once more with you
There’s no other place that always feels so new
Our lips do touch
Once more you’re my crutch
I let you out for a moment, a separation of taste
But I dive back in, head first in this state
I know I’m stronger when we’re apart
I see the power, and I’ve let this start
But the swimming delight you give to me
Brings me back to your welcoming sea
A rolling wave of electric love
A mesmerizing storm that I can’t surface above
Drown me now in your abyss
Pull me down and don’t let me live
I’ll choke and suffer but I just don’t care
I should throw you away but I don’t dare
How could I do this without you my dear
I would crumble and wilt and suffer I fear
So I stand here now, staring at you
Knowing that there is little else I can do

An Unknowing Siren

There she goes messing with his mind,
He’s usually more in control when he lies
There he goes back inside his shell
Living on the other side of this lover’s carousel
Oh if she only knew
How much he loses control, how much she makes him go
She makes love sometimes just with her eyes
The slight devious sparkle and the sultry silent offer
She plays him like he’s made of string
He’s the instrument, the melody
She wants his lips to sing
If she only knew, how hard it is to handle
How bad he wants this scandal
Tell him girl, “my world is all about you”
Tell him girl, “I just can’t seem to live without you”
Tell him girl, “Let’s lose some sleep tonight”
Just wants to tell her straight, he doesn’t want to wait
He won’t take it no, no longer, not any more
His heart she stole, and he’s begging for more
In silent moans from the other line of the phone
She hears no word, and keeps up with it
He wants all of her, but wants it just to end
There’s no reprieve on his side, no final point or bend
He’s lost control, can’t hold her down
He stands alone, spinning slow
And she will never know

I’m Addicted and I Can’t Stop

“When hope and love has been lost and you fall to the ground, you must find a way. When the darkness descends and your told it’s the end, you must find a way.”

– Muse, Dig Down

Muse has forever been my own personal professed muse. I feel like their music is directly linked to the outline of my book series. There are so many times in my life when I have pulled away from those around me and sunk into the depths of my mind. I become supremely focused on the inner workings of my book, or like now I am focused on my writing in general. I pull inward and focus on the emotion of what I am feeling. The most useful thing for me when I do this is listening to music. I feel like it not only helps me expose the emotions I am feeling, but it also helps me remain connected to ground instead of floating up into the clouds. Muse is always there to pull me back into the present, keeping my mind on that edge between focus and distraction when it comes to writing versus living outside of the space of my laptop screen.

Right now I am entrenched in emotion. I can feel the weight of it pressing on me and I feel the need to resurface but I can’t. I am so deeply buried beneath that I need to write to find my way out again. Memories of my many emotions and experiences flood my brain and I am now fully gone it feels like. Muse is a tether, my book an outlet, and my blog is my reach to the masses. It’s lonely here in the world of words and blank pages.

I wish I could tell you this would be the last time but it won’t be. It can’t be. I am addicted to the feel of it. I need it. I crave it. And I’m not ready to let it go. I stare out on the horizon line of my inner thoughts and I see nothing but unending beauty and wonder. It’s beautiful in here, truly amazing. I will share it with you, one blog at a time….



Very Short Story: String Me Along Again

I’m doing it again, waiting for you. It’s becoming extremely exhausting. I keep telling myself that it’s fine, that it’s not really a big deal but you know, to me it is. I shouldn’t have put on this outfit today, worn my favorite dress, worn these high heels. Shouldn’t have spent the extra time fussing with my hair, re-doing my make up to ensure I looked perfect for you. Worn my favorite perfume. There was no point, I knew you weren’t going to show up.

I sit here in the cafe shop slowly sipping my latte, twiddling my thumbs because I was an idiot and didn’t think to bring anything with me in case you didn’t show up. Why did I think you would? I have no idea.

It’s fine though, I tell myself again, for the millionth time. I find excuses for you, because obviously you are far too busy to share those reasons with me right now. You are overwhelmed at work, you are driving and can’t text, you are tired from your week, you are…not interested, you don’t want me, you don’t need me, you don’t think I’m attractive, and on…and on…and on. No, I say, he just talked to me all last week! Why would he suddenly not be interested?

The time ticks by, one minute into an hour into three. I wipe the red lipstick from my lips, no longer liking the effect it has as I did when I was bouncing in the car on the way to the cafe. I was so excited to see you, to look into your eyes, to feel the warmth of your presence as we talked. The red stains my skin but there’s nothing I can do, it’s left there like the remnants of your words; your promise. Stuck to me, unmoving and there is nothing I can do to make it go away.

It’s my fault, I tell myself. This isn’t the first time. It’s not even just the second. I should know better by now. But I don’t, I am back making the same mistakes that I made before. Round in circles I go, a merry-go round that brings nothing but tears and an ache in my chest so deep I can’t seem to ignore it any longer.

My phone buzzes and I jump. “Hey.”

That’s all, three little letters and my heart zips into overtime thudding away against my ribs like a congo drum. It’s you! You ARE thinking about me!

“I’m sorry, I can’t make it.” And just like that, my heart plummets back into my stomach the acid eating it whole.

“Oh that’s ok.” I respond, not wanting to let you see the pain. Not wanting you to see that hurt inside.

“I’ll see you soon, I promise.” you say. And I smile, because you wouldn’t break your promise again would you? You wouldn’t, you’re too sweet to do that.

“I trust you.” I wrote back. I slide out of the coffee shop with a dreamy smile on my face as I bury the knife back into my chest, far enough to still feel it but out of sight so that I can pretend the hurt isn’t there. You promised you would see me. I believe you.