It’s cold. I feel the bitterness to the tips of my toes but the frigid ice settling into my skin started within. I lay here before my own eyes naked to the demons I tried to bury beneath layers of honor and duty. There’s poison on my lips, I’m afraid it will never go away. The monster will remain; chipping, nibbling, and scratching away at my defenses. I will lose this battle, I know this.
How does one prepare to lose to an internal fight? To accept what you are to the depths of your soul? How can you be honest to the ones you love knowing that you could turn on them in a flicker of an instant? Sleep is a thin shield, a small protection to keep the poison away until I can figure out how to handle what I’ve become.
I feel the claws gripping my insides threatening to release the demons. With eyes closed and lips clamped shut, I am silent and peaceful to my external purveyors. Inside I’m on fire, desperately trying to hold back the avalanche of monsters pressing to escape the door of my mind. I can’t hold it back much longer, the madness and horror within. The blast zone of my inner apocalypse will bring everyone to their knees. I wish I could ask them to leave; Vesyon, Theo, Langhorn, even Charlie. I don’t want to hurt them more than I already have. Even as I think it, I know I could never follow through. I’m changing into someone I don’t understand, into someone I never wanted to be.
Please understand my plea, understand that I’m not safe. I will crush every ounce of faith you had in me. I will do this without a care, without a second thought. I hope you can hear me for what it is I’m saying to you. I can’t change who or what I’m becoming. I hope despite all of this, you can still find it in your heart to love me.
My mind is on loop, begging and pleading slipping in and around the seething fury deep within my being. I can’t stop it any more. My final thought before I give in is for him, the only person that can save me from myself. Without a single reservation I send out my final plea to him and him alone; please bring me back, show me how to find myself again.