Last Night I had a Dream

Last night I dreamed that I talked to you. We stayed up all night just talking. It was quite incredibly ordinary conversation but wonderful nonetheless. It was a small moment in time, a blink in a year, but memorable and exquisite. 

I’ve thought of you so often that my subconscious forces you into my dreams. A million conversations happen between the time I close my eyes to the time I’m rudely woken every morning. Words, emotion, feeling….last night I had a dream that you were here with me. I smiled, I held your hand, I told you I love you. And yet…I know that you never heard me say those wonderful words. 

I wish I could call you, hear your voice, I wish I could see you, I wish you were here. 

Last night I had a dream….and yet today you are still gone. I miss you, I do. I hope you know that in the depths of your being…can you hear me now? I’m not sure…but if you can, I miss you and every night I can see you in my dreams. 

It’s all in a Word

They cluster on your tongue, tipping out into the brightness of the day. They form like hungry pigeons on the tip of your pen, a sudden movement and they are off, swirling in shapes and sounds; a tip, a curve, a dip, a line.

The make you feel so strongly, and yet can be ignored completely. They sing loud with aggressive force, and whisper soft nothings in the depths of dark. Beautiful and harsh, they can save you and split you apart. Nothing is quite as stern as one severely cracked out forced to be heard. And yet there is sweetness to their harmonizing sound, a simple melody of music rolling from your lips.

Do you see the bumbling mess of them, jammed together on the page? A whirling sprawl of black lined up like marching soldiers preparing for imminent attack. Thousands and millions all set up in a line, they are waiting for your eyes to skim across their lines.

Beautiful and sweet, as well as harrowing if in defeat. They are what you will make of them; tender, loving, horrible, wonderful, terrible, amazing, difficult, deceptive, delightful….words.

Dialogue Tags: A Query Thought

I have a very serious question and one that I have never found a true “answer” to. When you are writing dialogue between two characters do you write…

“What are you doing, “Jack said.

or do you write…..

“What are you doing,” said Jack.

I have always written the name before said, and I am starting to wonder if it really makes a difference. Is there a reason to put one first, or second in that tag of dialogue? Or is it merely preference at the end of the day?

I fear….

There is a massive fear of failure that comes with writing. It’s a terrifying leap to go from saying, “I can write a book” to saying “I have published a book.” I worry that it will never happen. That I will spend my whole life re-writing and obsessing over this story and I will have no one to share it with. No one to pick up the manuscript and say, “I will publish this!” Or no agent that believes in the story enough to want to back it.

No one….

The things I keep asking myself, is it even good? Is it too much, or too little? Who else besides my closest friends and family would even read this? Would my closer friends and family read this?

I play a strong game with myself, the game of confidence. Outwardly, I can be extremely confident. Inwardly, I have days where I can keep up the strength and push myself to see the good in almost all situations. There is one category I have almost zero confidence in; getting my novel published.

Don’t worry Jess, it’s a good story
Don’t worry Jess, you aren’t even done with it yet. You don’t even know where it will go
Don’t worry Jess, if no one knows about it, no one will know you failed….

Yep. At the end of the day there is that silver faint lining. I will have a written book. I will have a 2nd and a 3rd and a 4th. I will, because if I don’t get this story written down on paper somehow it will drive me crazy. It’s like a have a mass of voices in my head that I have just have to share with the world.

I have one story, her story. And I want you to read it, I hope when this book is finished you will want to read it too.

Luck Doesn’t Even Begin to Describe It

A strange and wonderful thing happened for me today. It was such a beautiful moment and one I didn’t realize I had helped create, but it touched my heart so completely I feel like it’s a must to talk about. There are moments in a person’s life so incredibly wonderful that they almost feel…not real. Like they are from a book or a movie. Here is my wonderful moment today.

I woke up at 730 am, my bladder screaming for me to get out of bed but with a furry and warm puppy cuddled at my front, and a warm viking man contoured against my back, under a pile of heavy blankets…I wasn’t too inclined to listen to my bladder and it’s insistent demands. By 753 am though, I was forced to give in.
I crawled over the snoring puppy, extracted myself from beneath a mass of blankets and a heavy arm, and tip toed to the bathroom careful not to wake the beautiful viking man or the little 6 year old snoring in bed next to him. I have no idea when our 6 year old climbed into bed, but there he was, a complete carbon copy of his Papa, snoring and sleeping next to my fiance Bear.
After finally going to the bathroom, I tiptoed back into the bedroom to find my sleeping spot taken over by none other than the snoring puppy. Oh well, my sleeping in time was done. I walked out to the kitchen, saying a good morning to my 4 year old in his bedroom playing intently with his lego’s building a “super amazing fortress for batman!”and headed out to make some much needed coffee. I was tired, and not in a “I haven’t slept much” tired but more in a “my week was exhausting and even 9 hours of sleep just wasn’t enough” kind of tired. However, no matter how tired I was I really wanted to sit down and work on my book. I had been neglecting it the past week, mainly because of work and needing to get my responsibilities taken care of, but neglecting all the same.
After starting a pot of coffee I tiptoed back into the room to find my Bear in the bathroom blowing what sounded like an entire pound of boogers out of his nose.
“Babe, you ok?” I asked.
His response was little more than a snort and a “uh huh.”
“Do you need something?”
“Well,” Bear said turning around to face me. His poor nose was pink around the end and his bloodshot eyes told me that he definitely wasn’t feeling his best. “Thinking I need to walk across the street to get some Sudafed from the store. You wanna walk the dog and I’ll take the boys so I can go inside?”
Now I really wanted to say no, I really wanted to stay inside and drink coffee and start working on my book BUT, that wasn’t very fair. “Sure, I’ll walk the dog,” I said and got dressed and headed outside with my head phones in and my audible book playing. (I’ve been listening to Outlander ‘The Fiery Cross’. It’s FANTASTIC!)
When I got back inside even though I still wanted to work on my book, I decided I could jump ahead of the curve with the boys no doubt on a Pokemon Walk (which is what the boys call it, as they get to play Pokemon when they go on walks around our neighborhood) I had some time to get breakfast made.
I got through making almost an entire stack of French Toast and even had time to slice up some strawberries before the boys walked back inside. By the time I had the rest of breakfast on the table, and the table set the boys were a whining pile of hunger and snot.
Breakfast is always my favorite time with the boys, they are silly and giggly all through breakfast and it sets up our weekend nicely. As we talked and laughed I noticed that Bear was looking at me with that special “look”. Finally I turned to him and said, “What is it, you keep looking at me with those googly eyes.”
He laughed, and his smile grew wider. “I guess I am just so happy with how lucky I am.”
“Oh?” I said, my own smile growing quite wide at his words.
“Yeah,” he said. “You are amazing. I just can’t believe how lucky I am to have you. You do so much for me. Cooking for me, cleaning, taking care of the boys. I mean, come on Jess, you cook my dinner almost every night!”
His look of pure delight and joy was like a warm fuzzy blanket on my heart. It was the most incredibly sweet and genuine thing I had ever heard. The crazy thing, I was just thinking the night before as Bear rubbed my back and my shoulders that I was the luckiest girl in the world to have a man that gave me so much. Sometime I really feel like I don’t give enough, that he does so much for me; he takes out the trash, and the recyclables, he works all hours of the day to ensure he makes money for us and our household, he rubs my back even when I don’t ask, he CLEANS MY BATHROOM…I’m not joking (I hate doing that), he writes me sweet adorable love notes on my birthday and valentines day, and he tells me I’m beautiful and sexy when I feel like a big fat lump.
I honestly felt as though I wasn’t doing enough, but here Bear thinks the same. It’s quite amazing that when you truly love, cherish, and adore someone you do things for them to ensure that they KNOW that you love them.
I feel lucky to have a man that loves me so much, lucky to see him look at me with pure adoration and wonder in his eyes as though he is the most lucky man in the whole world to have me in his life.
At the end of the day, luck just doesn’t even cover it. I’ve been blessed and it’s an incredibly humbling amazing moment to realize that someone loves you more than you ever thought possible. That you can in turn love them more than YOU thought possible. It’s a wonderful feeling to realize you found your soul mate, your match, your other half to your whole.

In the morning I’ll make some more french toast, and he will do some dishes, I will walk the puppy with Bear and the boys, and we will both put away our laundry, I will put the dishes away in the dishwasher and he will clean the nasty hair trap in our tub, I will make a list to go grocery shopping and he will carry all the heavy bags upstairs so I can be certain to open all the doors. I get to share my life with my team mate.

Honestly, I am so incredibly lucky, but luck doesn’t even begin to describe this.