There are several life changing moments that happen in our lives that truly leave a mark on our memories. They form us, transform our future and deepen our understanding of what it means to be alive.
I’m writing this blog for several reasons today. Once, because it’s my birthday tomorrow and when I look back in reflection of where I was last year and where I am today I am completely astonished. My life has pulled a 180 and I don’t believe I could ever be happier than I am right now. Second, I have lost a few things along the way and even though it breaks my heart to see it go, I also see it as a step toward adulthood. A step toward a life with those I love and cherish the most. And third, because I am soon to be 29 and it makes you really think about where you are in your life when you hit that marker.
One year ago today I was on a camping trip with my family in Sequoia and Kings Canyon. It was absolutely wonderful and I had a blast, but there was a small amount of stressful weight on my shoulders that I tried really hard to hide while I was enjoying family time.
The day before I left on this trip, the guy I was dating told me that he no longer wanted to date me. Wasn’t sure I was what he wanted and completely freaked out over the pictures we took at a birthday party I had with some friends. I was actually ok with him not wanting to be with me, he wasn’t meant to be with me long term and we both knew that. However, the second he told me he no longer wanted to be with me it struck a cord of anxiousness. “Why does no one want to be with me?” This was the fourth guy that had told me this in the last two years and it was starting to become an annoying occurrence. And of course I started to question, is it me?
The entire vacation was going great until my actual birthday and my older brother (bless his wonderful, caring, loving heart!) started talking to me about finding a better job (To back track just a bit, at this point I had a job I absolutely hated at a facility in Hollywood that truly did not treat me very well. Even though I had a great boss, the facility didn’t give me a chance to shine at all no matter how hard I worked). It was a conversation I was tiring of because my mother, whom I love more than anything, also brought up this very same topic way more than I wanted to actually discuss it. I hated my job yes, and I was desperately looking for something else, but you can’t just change your life in a blink. I was working hard to change my stars (anyone catch that movie reference!?) but I still had to wait for life to happen and catch up to my hard work and desires. So this conversation with my brother and my mother didn’t go over so well. It ended with me crying, and yelling and feeling like a pathetic, single, piece of crap low life, with nothing to be proud of or call her own. After 4 years in LA I was seriously considering giving up and saying to hell with it all!
But….then things started to change. One week after my vacation my friends had a small pool party birthday and I saw Bear, whom I hadn’t seen in several months at that point. It was like a breath of fresh air to see him. He gave me a hug before he left and promised he would see me next week so we could catch up. It was the first time I truly smiled in a very very long time. Two weeks after my vacation I got a call from a friend inquiring about a possible job opening that they might have at a Local Post Film house. I said yes before I even knew the job title or the rate of pay, but luckily for me all of those details were exactly what I was looking for. Four weeks after my vacation I was starting as a DI Producer at a great post house in Santa Monica. Eight weeks after my vacation Bear and I decided to try dating again and confirmed that if it didn’t work out we could easily remain friends as we had done before.
Now a year later I still have a great job that I love and adore, Bear and I are stronger than ever, and I am moving towards an area of life that I never thought possible. Not only did I gain a wonderful job and an amazing boyfriend, I also get to enjoy his two wonderful kids, and his two best friends that are now also my really good friends. Some things just work out the way they are supposed to and you smile at your good fortune amazed that life could be so loving.
There are also moments of sadness though, I have lost a lot in this last year and not something I thought I would ever lose. If you have been reading any of my blogs recently you would know that my really good girl friend and I are no longer speaking. I won’t go into details though at some point I might need that release. For now I will leave it at we had a disagreement and believe two different sides of a very difficult argument. I don’t hate or dislike her now, in fact I will always love and cherish the time I had with her, but I realize that she has become a friend of my past and not someone I can carry with me into the future. Sometimes pain and hurt will do that to a person. I look back through my year of amazing happiness and I see this big black hole of sadness, all of it stemming around her. It aches to think of her no longer being in my life but it was her choice to push me out and now it is my choice to remain at this distance where I can continue to grow, be happy and live my life to the fullest.
I believe one of the hardest things in life is to choose to be happy. It’s not easy taking something difficult, something hard, and turning it into a positive. I look at life from an outside perspective though and I know that no matter what I get dealt with, I have the choice to be a happy person. Honestly at some points I wasn’t happy though, at some points in the past year I was downright depressed. I do think there is an internal choice though, there is an option to choose which way you want to live. For me, I choose to take the higher road and live my life with the people that care about me. I want to give love because those that love me show me theirs. I want to share my life and my stories with those that care to read and share with me. In the ups and downs throughout my life I realized over and over again that life is too short to be angry, and life is way to short to be resentful.
So the moral of my super long post here is:
J.R.R. Tolkien just gets it…..